One of the terrible things of not having a job, a boyfriend, or any other reason to live beyond the invention of new and exciting sandwiches is that you have a lot of time on your hands (did I say your? I meant my). One of the results of this sad state of affairs is that I watch a lot of TV.
Now, I love TV. I am not one of those people who was raised without it in order to spend more time outdoors or bonding with my family. No, my brother and I were safely parked in front of the TV to glean our morals and inspirations from Mr. Belding, Sam Malone, Cheer Bear, and Jeff the Mannequin from 'Today's Special'. I think there are lots of great shows that will forever have a place in my heart. But there's also a lot of excrement.
Tonight, I had the pleasure of watching 'More to Love', or what I like to call, 'The Fatchelor'. It is 'The Bachelor' plus sixty pounds. That's all. That's the premise. Same show, BUT BIGGER. I have never watched more than three minutes of 'The Bachelor' without wanting to vomit out my nose, but I wanted to give this a chance. Because....because sometimes I can't get off my couch. I don't know. What else am I going to do?
Now, obviously, this show spends a lot of time talking about how size and shape shouldn't influence how you feel about someone. Beyond the fact that OF COURSE LOOKS MATTER (also, for girls that want to be taken for what's on the inside, they sure did get dolled up. That was a whole lot of brightly colored satin and sweetheart necklines. I think I even saw some blow dried hair. What's the matter ladies? Couldn't you just fall out of bed and come down in your sweats to rassle up the feller? Just wrap yourself in saran wrap and duct tape like I always do!), while these girls tearfully confess how much they wish to be loved for themself, THEIR HEIGHT AND WEIGHT ARE LISTED NEXT TO THEIR NAMES. Because love doesn't have a size, but these chunksters do, and it's above 16! Because let's look past their weight, but first remind yo of it! Because let's not forget that inner beauty is only for those lacking in outer beauty!
Next! These girls are singlehandedly disproving the belief that chubby girls have great personalities. Why didn't you all cultivate your sense of humor while you were eating a box of Krispy Kremes and sobbing on prom night like I was? Multitask, girls. You should at least be funny! One is a rocket scientist, but she nullified any intelligence cred she initially had by immediately meeting the guy and saying, 'Hi! I'm (fat girl's name)! I'M A ROCKET SCIENTIST!'. Not smart. And you all should definitely not be cloying and annoying...ugh. They all use expressions like, 'Go, Girl!', and keep calling their Sweaty Sweetie 'cute'. You should have all been striking a blow for how awesome we bigger girls can be, if we're constantly given praiseThis is not helping me out at all. I also resent the fact that a lot of these girls only seem to carry weight in their boobs and butt. That's not fat. That's lucky.
Moreover, this guy didn't seem to find a personality at the bottom of that bucket of chicken. Apparently he's 26 and a millionaire. A likely story. He kind of looks like this guy I know who does Live Action Role Play where people put on fake ears and pretend to be elves and vampires and enact elaborate scenes of conquest and betrayal. It really creeps me out. The whole thing just smacks of asthma inhalers and orthopedic shoes. This Chubby Cutie gives them promise rings, and asks them, 'Will you wear this ring?', rather than the rose motif. There's something about a promise ring that makes me feel icky. I don't like to look at my hand and think about my crotch. That's just me. You can keep it closed and saved for each other, but keep it down where it belongs. I don't need the fact that you're growing cobwebs in your girls parts to slap me in the face everytime you wave to me.
But it might be worth watching just because I'm so pleased with myself for thinking to call it 'The Fatchelor'.
Coming up: THEY MAKE THEM GO TO PROM. Oh god. I hope the last round of this show is a pie-eating competition.
No comments:
Post a Comment